My Friend, Loneliness

An essay on my friend, loneliness, who cares for me enough that it agrees to lets me go, and whom I love enough to not accept to let go.

… …

Our favorite topic for essay writing as a child used to be ‘My Best Friend’. No other topic used to appeal us that much as this particular topic, as we could just write what we felt instead of searching for words. We used to write all the things we could remember about that one person, nonetheless that might be a very few things to remember at that time.

As a child, I did not have that privilege of having a best friend. Whenever such a topic was tossed at me, I used to choose other options instead. And the word barely made any sense to me. Even now, I do not understand the superlative degree assigned to it. ‘Best’ means better than ‘better’, and even better than ‘good’. Superlative degree implies that it tends to stay highest in the category. But then superlative also means ‘exaggeration’, which made me wonder – is ‘Best friend’ an overinflated relation in our life?

Anyway, leaving the language disarray aside, in my childhood, I used to write this essay on my friend, Loneliness.

Loneliness has been the only constant thing in my life since childhood. It has been there with me in good times and in bad times. It tried to sneak away from the back door once or twice, allowing someone to swoop in into my life. But somehow in the end, things always led us to be together. And to be honest, I liked being with it.

Unlike my endeavors with other ‘Best friends’, our relationship has stayed intact after having sailed through the tough times that any relationship passes through. It allowed me to reorganize my life after the mayhem the storm left. It stayed, holding hands with me, when I needed it the most.

Apart from the mutual feeling of belongingness for each other, we shared a lot of common things – me and loneliness. It had two faces – one where it spread gloom and dismay wherever it went, and the other where it spread the light of hope and jump-started the brain to work towards betterment. I had similar bipolar symptoms. I used to be utmost boring at times, converting even the most happening event an excuse of melancholy And at times, the spark in me could light up a dull and regretful talk into a happening, fun ride.

We were great together. And I had always found peace while being with it. But recently, I thing something has jinxed our relationship. The sparking part of our relationship has dried out and we spend most of our time in quiet. Something’s not right about it, something’s missing – it keeps on saying to me. It keeps on looking outside the window, waiting for something to happen. And I wonder what wrong did I do to it, what mistake did I make, how did I hurt it, that even the loneliness is seeking to leave me!

I asked it what could I do to make it feel better, to bring back the spark between us, just like the good-old-times. But it doesn’t answer my question. It never did. It has always been like that, keeping to itself, peaceful. But somehow, things had always worked out between us. We both used to communicate despite our persistent silence. But now, I speak and I wish it spoke back to me. I wish it would tell me the reason before the final moment of dismay.

As this is how it has always been. This is how my life always turns up after a long story, not a happy ending. And I have always marked it as a beginning of another chapter instead of an end of the story. But without my best friend, without loneliness, and without anyone else being there for my support, I wonder how things will turn out…

Advertisements

Catching the Butterfly

An epilogue on my encounter with a butterfly, symbolizing a lost opportunity, or a deemed opportunity, may be a false perception… Taking a permanent place in my dreams.

The water molecules were colliding with each other. The electricity in the clouds charged up the molecules and after continuous colliding, a drop of water was formed from all the vapour collected in the clouds. That drop was carried in the clouds in the form of semi-liquid vapour and when the clouds could no longer hold on to the water drop, and the wind couldn’t carry the clouds further, the drop bade goodbye to the clouds and left out on a long journey to meet its mother earth…

On the earth, there was a creature resting on a flower-bed. It woke up and flapped its wings up and down to welcome the beautiful morning. The creature was a beautiful butterfly…

Just when the butterfly got up from its flower-bed, the drop that was falling from the sky fell on its wings with a splash and few tiny drops from the whole drop flew on to the butterfly and watered its face. The butterfly turned its face away from it in surprise and then smiled at the nature’s Good Morning Wish…

The butterfly got up and took a high flight in the sky. It felt the sky, the wind, the sun and the environment. It was so fresh and overwhelmingly beautiful. As the butterfly cherished the nature’s gifts in its way, other creatures on earth enjoyed watching the butterfly! One among those creature was a me…

I was watching the butterfly so keenly that I forgot all my time and commitments. It flew just by me not even noticing me, may be noticing but not making any difference… It was all lost in its own world! It was enjoying the nature and the environment; frequently stopping by other places that it might have been attracted to. I was jealous…

I tried to move closure to it. I wanted to see it closely. I wanted to hold it in my hands, not to trap but to show it my affection. I tried several times, but my efforts were wasted. As it didn’t trust me and found me just like other humans who wanted nothing but to trap it and put it in a box. It couldn’t see my feelings so it just started flying away from me.

I sensed that it was no use trying too much towards the butterfly, because I knew that it was way far my reach. But still, my heart thumped for its beauty, I could never stop admiring it. In a way, it won’t see me gazing at it…

After some time, as I had gone into a complete motion-less posture, it came close to me… May be it didn’t see me or may be it wanted to play with me more and taunt me that it was not within my reach… Or may be it felt my emotions and was considering befriending me… ‘May be’s were many. But I ignored all my instincts and gave it its space. Not to mention that my eyes always found ways to take little glimpses of that beautiful creation of nature and give an image to my retina with an instruction to make a permanent portrait of it in my mind…

The beauty of its wings and the amazing contouring design swept me from my feet. I had seen nothing like this in my whole life. The shape it had and the patterns on its wings, its big black eyes and those two hairy antennas – were all so amazingly stunning!  I again started to try running behind it. But soon as I tried, it swiftly and elegantly went far from me.

I sat down in disappointment. I consoled myself that it was just a butterfly. And I would see many such butterflies in my life…

At night, I closed my eyes, thinking may be get some sleep tonight. As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw vivid colors forming different patterns and different designs, all a stunning blend of colors and shapes turning into its face, its body, its way of flying, and everything about it.

The color patterns that were forming due to a sudden change in light in the room, were a delight for my eyes. I enjoyed making them, watching them. It continued for a while then slowly the saturation started dropping. The colors were now blurred and less bright from how they had started to be. Then slowly the darkness overpowered them…

As the darkness grew over the colors, the patterns formed a ‘B’ like shape and just them the ‘B’ shape cloned itself into a reverse ‘B’ shape. Both the ‘B’ shapes merged and formed a big oval-like shape, filled with beautiful color patterns. A thin line, cutting the oval in equal half, started to grow bigger and the two sides of the ovals started moving in a carousel way…

All of the Phosphenes and Entoptic Hallucinations that I was seeing were nothing but the beautiful structure of the butterfly! I dared not to open my eyes and face the darkness surrounding me…

I hope that some day, the butterfly will come stay with me. I wish to see that butterfly, forever, by my side! (I went to sleep with that wish, as that’s the only place my wishes come true…)

You got it all, then why ain’t you happy?

Ask me not, what it means.
As I won’t be able to say-

Anything else, but this…
… …
Yes, I got it all… But I ain’t happy.

You ask me why? I tell ya this.
I have learned and have become a learned.

I have got a degree, and I flaunt it.

But I make no good of all my learning.

I do no good to anyone unlearned.

I got no idea to bring a big change.

I follow, I follow, and that’s all it is,

For me in my life, I need not to be this.
I’ve got a job. And I earn well.

My life is way better than the majority albeit.

Then why, when people respect me, I don’t.

Why, I care not, when I care the most.

I love the job that I do. And I’m good at it too.

Then why the boredom creeps in, sneaking.
Yes, I’ve got it all. And I’m not happy.

May be, I’m not sad. But, that ain’t it, is it?

I tell stories, that ya can’t relate to,

And I wait, for ya to say thank you,

Wish I could inspire, love, touch your heart,

Wish I could believe that can be loved.
It is not so easy for me to be me,

When the me I am, finds the me not me…

Yes, I’ve got it all, and I’m thinking-

May be, I’m wrong, but I am, isn’t it?

I want not to be anyone else, but wait-

Do I want, at all, to be me instead?
When I sing, when I hum, when I whistle-

I live. For fraction of time, I see me bright,

Before the music brings out the pain,

The pain that is not real, nonexistent.

Yes, I’ve got it all, and I’m waiting,

For someone to tell me that I have,

For I believe that I can find love-

In my life. But wait- do I really?
Yes, I don’t understand it myself,

I’ve got it all, then why does it feel so not?

Like the birds, I want to fly,

Like the wind, I want to touch the sky,

While the world waits for it to end,

I wait for that time, when I begin.

From 20 to 50 in 6 months

“Are you alive or just waiting to die?”

I was driving to my office and saw this billboard on the way about some Club or something. But the line above got marked in my brain.

I kept thinking about my daily life. How was it before 6 months and how it has turned out now… I was supposed to be happy – I had cleared my professional course in stiff 3% passing result, I had a job in a reputed company and life was smooth. But I didn’t feel ‘happy’ at all!

People now wish me, congratulate me, that I have achieved things in 20 years of age and I should be proud of that. I felt happy to hear all that. But then, again I thought about it… Do I actually feel like being in early 20’s?

From a student, all of a sudden, I was transformed to an employee; from a boy to a man… Earlier people used to smile at me when I would be watching ‘Tom & Jerry’ on Cartoon Network or playing GTA Games on my PC. And now, when I speak of it, they give me weird looks! Earlier, I used to roam with friends and they used to say “He likes exploring!” And now when I do that, they say “Don’t roam like a Vagabond! Concentrate on your job!”

Talking of planning my life, I used to plan my weekends with family and friends, parties and hangouts! Now I plan my income statement, my goal of buying a home, car and other stuff for me and family…on weekends! Earlier, my mornings used to be fresh, I used to come out of bed without any help of alarms, I used to walk out to my balcony and watch the pigeons make funny movements with their heads and tried to imitate them for hours! And now, it has been months that I had been to my balcony (except to dry the clothes).

I lost half a dozen of my friends (as I used to call them), b’cuz they think that I have developed ego on getting a job and all, and that I do not find it fun to spend time with them or even give them a call. But no one asked me once that whether I am free enough to talk even to my parents at the end of the day? Am I happy enough that of how things have turned out? They say that at least I could have forwarded a message! But none of them remember, I have never done it, even before when I was free all day…

At night, I used to watch movies and then sleep, dreaming in my dream world about my angel and superpowers and stuff… And now, I hardly dream about anything! I usually get up surprised in the morning that how come it dawned so quickly!

In school, we were told to study hard, that we could have fun after school. After school, there were grades to look forward to, fun was not the priority even then. And then came college, which was totally not like we see in movies or comedy series. And then the professional course never let us remember the fun once we wanted to have in our lives.

And now, after all the busy years gone, I appeal to have some fun, I get the remarks that now the time to have fun is gone! That my life has shifted to a new gear and that I will have to maintain that seriousness in life! That now I am a grown up. And that I should start acting like one…

And I’m like – “Hey! WTF! I missed something here…!!!”

I feel like I have grown up from 20 to 50 in just 6 months… Or the society and parents and relatives and teachers made me grow old so quickly.

image

———————————-

Did you feel while reading the post that I was speaking all from inside you? Do you feel the same?

People tell us that we can have fun while working and having our responsibilities… I ask them, do you really mean that? Will it be the same as it was before?

They say that the sooner you accept the reality, the happier you’ll be! I ask, will it be happiness, will it be satisfaction? Or just a compromise…

If at all there is a way we can reverse the clock, where would you want it to stop? I would like it to start from the early days, when we were not crushed by responsibilities. I would take responsibilities with me while having fun…

Time is never enough. But it is, as much, in our control.

Missing Someone I Don’t Know

image

I was starving… My stomach all sorts of sounds that it could possibly make. I understood its signals but couldn’t do anything about it. Firstly, it was raining outside and I had nothing to protect me from it. Secondly, I was all alone…

I was waiting for the rain to stop. But inside, I was waiting for someone I don’t know… Someone who could give me company – for dinner or for anything I do in my life.

It is human nature. They tend to search for someone to give them company and make them feel comfortable. We take our friends and family to shopping, movies, and almost everywhere where we could’ve very well go alone…

At the restaurant, the waiter asked me how many people with me. I said I’m alone (of course with great difficulty)! He arranged me an isolated place in the restaurant so that I can eat my dinner peacefully… And the other people who have come with their companies don’t make me feel uncomfortable.

But you can’t ignore the facts. Eating alone is very difficult when you don’t have such practice. All these years whole family eating on the table together had made me used to it. Now when I had to leave my hometown and stay alone in some different city I had some hard times…

After dinner, I usually take a walk or a long drive on my bike. It makes me feel peaceful and makes me ready to either go to sleep or gives me some idea to ponder upon… Even during these, I feel solitude creeping inside me. The roads, the trees surrounding the roads and everything else around looks at me strangely. They might be wondering that who would go on a walk alone! But I break their assumptions…

I wonder whether it would be the same if I had someone with me! Or it would be just same situation with talking in addition! I don’t know.. But nothing makes me desperate to have someone cuz other people’s experiences have given me negative reviews…

But still, a friend or family would have been a better company than my smartphone… It would have been a delicious dinner and a better time! At least, I wouldn’t have written all these sentences.. 😛

Anyways, my day was over and I was off to bed. I closed my eyes and slowly left my mind at rest.. But it took a long time to actually fall asleep. I was missing someone I don’t know yet.. 😉