I Almost Understood Her

While I have had several such occasions where I almost had a love story, but every time it was pretty clear how the things were going on. But in this particular case, I got ridiculed every time I thought I understood her.

So here it goes…

I didn’t see (read as notice) her for several days since we got acquainted. It was at her birthday that I first stopped to take a good glance at her. When I wished her, she returned her thanks with a pleasant smile on her face, that was when I got fascinated the way she carried herself.

But soon that tide passed away and things got normal.

Then one day, I had a chance to communicate with her for more than a few minutes, and the discussion was pure professional work. But her personality enchanted me. Apart from being a pretty face, she also had sharp observation and a smart approach to everything she did.

Soon we started communicating more and I got to know her creative side. And I started opening up myself to her. But then, suddenly on one bloody day, it all went back to the day we started. As if I had just time traveled into past, our confab just stopped. She would reply if I initiate a talk, but not with the same interest as earlier.

I tried going through the previous days and tried to find anything that I did that might have pissed her off, as that happens a lot with me. But in this case, I just couldn’t find anything for her weird behavior.

Again, the time-glass turned, and she wished me morning on her own without any initiation from my side, whatsoever. I had just accepted her weirdness around me and had stopped talking to her. But her change to convivial attitude confused me. There she was turning her head away when our eyes met, and again she is all cheerful and friendly.

I let it flow without giving much efforts into the sudden change. As her mood was right, we took our respites together. Games and movies were also tried and tested. And it worked for while.

But as every dawn as a dusk following, her cheerful and friendly nature had irritated and uninterested nature followed up. She stopped coming for those breaks and movie sessions. She turned down any hangout plan that I or any one in the group offered. And I let it flow this time even. As still, it was unclear to me what was in her mind.

Her birthday returned and I wished her in my own style. That overwhelmed her and I had expected a mood change this time, since this was her down-time going on. And yes, her up-time did come, but lasted just two days. This totally confounded me. I couldn’t think that I understand her any longer. Her weirdness was way above my ken to understand. And that pinched me for a while, but my cold-blooded dispassionate self helped me get over it easily.

Such series of her up-time with me and her down-time with me continued after that. While I keep heed of any taking-advantage scenario, nevertheless, I followed her cycles without much regard for it.

I stopped thinking about why she behaves like that and what’s there in her mind. I stopped finding adjectives from good side and from bad side for her.

Like seasons, I see her come and go, rise and fall. Like clouds in the sky, I see her, but never try to reach to her. There was a time when I almost understood her. But now, I have stopped trying to…

Friends vs Friends

image

The ball came bouncing at Grandpa’s head, while he was sitting in the garden reading his newspaper. He looked from his crooked specs at the boy, who came running behind the ball.

The boy said, panting, ‘Hi… Hi Grandpa… I… I am… Sorry. I couldn’t catch the ball… when it…’

Grandpa interrupted ‘Never mind.’

Then suddenly, he stopped reading and asked the boy with inquisitiveness ‘Why aren’t you playing with your friends today?’

The boy said sadly ‘I don’t have friends…’

Grandpa kept looking at him. The boy said ‘My friends are cruel. They tease me on things I don’t like even after telling them not to. If they are my friends, can’t they understand my simple request?!’

Grandpa said simply ‘May be they’re not your friends. Or maybe you are not theirs.’

Boy looked confused ‘People in my school have hundreds of friends. And my list is just one paper long! And in those too, no one cares for me. They always fight with me over the game and go away if I don’t let them touch my things… How do I know who’s my friend and who’s not?’

Grandpa smiled and said ‘So you too have fallen in the Friends vs. friends dilemma…’

Boy looked confused.

Grandpa continued ‘Dear son, listen carefully. Friendship is not a relationship. It’s a feeling that you share, be it in any relationship. A friend is like a cheerleader, who’ll always be right by your side, whether you need her or not. You don’t require to please someone to become their friends. Doing that only makes you vulnerable to people’s selfishness. Friends comes in all shapes and types, but they all make us feel alive. With them we don’t have to fake ourselves. We always have something to talk about and laugh on. Becoming friends with someone is just a matter of one incident, which makes you realize their worth. Lucky are those who get to face that incident before they lose their friendship…’

The boy said ‘But then, they always fight and leave someday…’

‘Yes. But that doesn’t mean you can’t call them back, does it?’ replied Grandpa with all his wisdom ‘Friends stick together, even after a fight, although with a punched face.’ and they laughed.

Continue reading

Please Daddy Please Mummy

(In words of a kid whose parents fight a lot…)

image

Please Daddy, Please Mummy,
Please don’t fight…

From childhood I’ve been observing,
Since then I’ve been thinking,
Is it me or is it you,
That you both are still together!
As the way you fight on petty issues,
The way you disagree most of the time,
It doesn’t seem like there’s any understanding between you.
I cannot seem to recover from this regret,
Of not being able to make things right,
Please daddy, please mummy,
Please don’t fight…

I understand that petty fights are normal,
That it happens in all the relationships,
But then, other things also happen,
But not so in your case, mum-dad,
I don’t remember you two valuing each other,
For the other’s love and care,
But only bashing about each other’s flaws and faults…
I cannot sleep with such scenes in my head,
I try to close my eyes and make my dreams instead,
Please daddy, please mummy,
Please don’t fight…

I have concluded that marriage in life-
Is bound to fail, bound to break,
Why spoil the pair with several tugs, frequent attack,
My best friend and others try to make me understand,
But my mind is now stuck and I can’t take any other stand…
With each and every time you both argue,
I lose my trust in friendship and relationships,
I stopped believing in being together forever,
As for me, togetherness is not physical, but from within,
If you wanna change my beliefs, if you wanna make me right,
Please daddy, please mummy,
Please don’t fight…

I know mummy, Dad’s a jerk sometimes,
He gets angry at you for his own failures,
For he is now spoiled in bad troupe,
He smokes, and lies, and wastes money,
And blames you for everything wrong,
Without accepting his own flaws and faults,
But don’t you still love him like that?
Doesn’t he work hard everyday to fulfill your wishes?
Doesn’t he stand for you when needed?
You know he’s old and forgets a lot,
You know he is like that, and cannot be changed,
Then why do you care, why do you cry,
Just ignore him and move on, or else,
Be strong to tell him that he’s wrong…

I know daddy, mommy’s little irritating,
She confuses over little decisions,
She develops prejudice based on people’s look,
She ain’t as systematic and orderly as you,
But don’t you still love her like that?
Doesn’t she cleans your shit and makes your house livable?
Hasn’t she left her whole family to make one with you?
Don’t you think she feels lonely all day without you?
You know, like you, she’s getting old too,
Can’t you help her with her work? Or not increase it, at least?
Accept her with her flaws, or else-
Have guts to accept you own faults too,
But don’t croak, don’t mumble behind her back…

We all have flaws, we all have limitations,
We cannot be perfect, we cannot be other’s dream,
But don’t you know? People can never be perfect,
But relationships can be… We can make them perfect!
Either live with each other happily, or else-
Accept to leave each other and move on happy,
But don’t make things more complicated,
By living together unhappily…!
At least, for my sake, may be,
Please daddy, please mummy,
Please don’t fight…

I am scared of being closer to someone,
I run away of being tied to a relation,
I wander here and there for belongingness,
But as soon as I get it, I devalue it,
As I am corroded with the idea-
That Love never lasts…
Can you help me mummy?
Can you help me daddy?
In making me believe in feelings again?
Can you help me by not fighting again?

Please daddy, please mummy,
Please don’t fight…

(Almost…) Bus No. 44/4

I was late. Usually I came office on time and left on time. That way, I could manager my upside life. But as we all have it, bosses never like our equilibrium… My whole day was wasted doing nothing, waiting for my boss’s instructions on one assignment. I don’t know why he enjoys doing this, but he would assign some work only during last half hour of the day’s play.

That day too, he had given me some work at 5:50 pm – just 10 minutes to my freedom. It took me two hours to complete the three hours job and he took 30 minutes for a 5 minutes review…!

Angry with the community of bosses, cursing them and everyone else, I left the office. It was almost half past seven. I knew I had missed the bus. The schedule for busses was distributed unevenly on that route, based on the traffic. And now, the next bus was exactly after one hour. So I was to waste my time on that God forsaken bus stand.

When I found no one to talk to, I called up my mother, my first best friend. I was talking to her about my scumbag boss and his dirty ways of torturing me. And when my complete frustration was out, we talked about random topics.

While talking to my mom, I never realized that I was walking past a girl in a brisk way, which she might find offending. That I came to realise only when I had put the phone back in my pocket and I saw her in my way.

I smiled at her and may be she realized that I did nothing intentionally.

More than one hour had passed now. And I saw that may be it was time to find something else as the bus was probably never gonna come, after all, it’s government service.

So I started looking for alternatives. So was she. But the problem on this route was that very few options are available for commute. A few private pliers enquired about our destination but went cuz he didn’t get enough people for one way ride.

I saw her enquiring to one such vendor and he told her that he would take her only if he found more people to travel. She turned to me and asked me where do I wanna go? We both had same route so I agreed. But the plier man wanted more people.

So I told her to wait for the bus instead. She agreed and we waited. Just about in 5 minutes the bus arrived. As she had the being-a-girl benefit, she board early and I was left to make my way inside the bus through that jam-packed door.

There were dozens of heads between us which made it difficult for us to get along. Somehow, I saw her seeing me constantly as if she wanted to talk to me, but may be was hesitant.

The bus driver helped me move forward in the crowd by applying ridiculously sudden brakes. I incidentally bumped into her. We exchanged smiles and it was the time for me to strike…

There was some soft music somewhere. I thought that may be I was hearing it on my own, but actually it was her ring tone. Call from home…

The call went on for almost 20 minutes. I wondered why would they waste such time when the girl was about to reach home in an hour! There was no emergency after all to compete all of it.

Finally she put her phone back into her bag and I got another opportunity. I kicked off the topic “do you travel by this bus everyday”. She answered in affirmative. She returned back my question and I told why was I late that day.

I was about to ask her name, etc. When the bus driver shouted my stop-name out loud. I had to climb down and we stared each other through the window till the time the bus took turn…

I never expected her to meet me again, cuz I wasn’t supposed to travel by that bus again ever, and probably whenever I did, I could never find her…

When I fight with her…

image

There are very few fortunate people in this world who get to see the real colour of friendship. The pure colour of friendship that leaves a permanent mark on your heart…

I couldn’t believe it, but I was one among them. But as it is said, fortunate is not the one who gets something incredible, but the one who can maintain it forever! And that is where I messed it up…

We two grew best friends unexpectedly… It was not planned or never even imagined, as the two of us were totally different from each-other. But it happened… one day we were just discussing about some random issue of the world, and don’t know where from, but she said “…we are best friends…” And I felt so so so much happy that day…

We usually called it our happy hours, the time when the normal people do to sleep, we started to talk… God knows how or on what topic, but one after other, we continued talking. We liked to share new things with each other, something that we came across that day or that time and feel like the other one will like it (sometimes even without thinking all that..)

But there were some topics that used to split us into two opposite worlds! We could never actually come on a conclusion on that issue, she was right on her side and I was on my side. Knowing all this, still we used to argue and fight…

That fight always started with me and ended on her telling that “let’s talk something else” (yes, you can definitely call me a jerk!) But I get so engrossed in our talks that I never know how or discussion shaped or leads us..!

One such day, our arguments took form of a devastating war where she hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings…

There were tears in my eyes, but they never flowed out. It burned me continuously inside… We were best friends and will be, but that fight might have changed things between us…

I spent my whole night staring at her picture and consoling my poor heart and burning brain… It wasn’t easy to talk to her after that. Even a small discussion would scare me that I might hurt her again! I stop myself from being me, I stop myself from speaking my heart out, because owing to the differences between us, I might start yet another fight with her and again, make things so complicated…

I wonder how she might be feeling right now… Would she be angry at me? Or would she be frustrated? She might even be burning just like me inside, trying to spend her time in the heartbreak of our fights… Or she might be changing her feelings for me, from good to bad, from her best friend to just a best friend…

Various thoughts haunted me. Her last words that she said in her peculiar style pinched my heart… I felt so bad at that and wanted to talk to her, to say her how I was feeling.. Explain her that my intentions were never to hurt her! I just discussed the topic with you like we do in any discussion! That I loved my best friend and wanted her to stay like that forever in my life! To say her that I was not aware that my words would hurt her so bad! That things between us were different, so I usually made such blunders… That she should forget our fights and remember our high times of happiness, craziness and weirdness!! That we should remember that no matter what happens, we are best friends after all…!!

But all I could say to her was Good Night… It took me whole night to erase all such thoughts in my mind and concentrate on sleeping, which I could only when the sun was up again…

P.S.: I tried to put feelings of a broken heart to words… With no such experience, I hope you will excuse me… 😛

Almost a Love Story…

A boy meets a girl, they fell in love and are assumed to live happily ever after! However, there are love stories that are different – way too different.

Once upon time in Good world, there lived a boy. He was a plain and simple kind of guy, void of any love experience in his life. But he wasn’t desperate to find her girl. He just left it on fate… He thought that whatever happens, happens for good! He was unaware of the future that Mr. Fate had decided for him…
 
‘He’ was not so handsome, but a better specimen in his species of “Boys”. B’cuz all the other boys usually were characterized by rude behavior, bad habits, girls watch and bad language. All of which were not found in ‘him’. This made ‘him’ confident and calm at a time. “He’ thought that ‘he’ would accept that girl who will accept ‘him’ as ‘he’ is.
 
That was the first day of his college life. ‘He’ was scared – as ‘he’ knew no one. “Whom would I talk to?“, “I would be left alone…“, “Where would I sit?“, “What will I do?” – were his thoughts.
 
But then, ‘he’ found two of his classmates from school, who coincidentally, were in the same class. ‘He’ was glad that ‘he’ was spared from finding an appropriate friend for the year… This was his and their first lecture. Excitement was rushing in their veins. And nerves were out-of-control to find such big crowd – that too with so many beautiful girls all around…
 
But ‘he’ was busy thinking something else – as girls had always let him down – the reason ‘he’ was unaware of… At the corner of the college ground, there was a canteen – “Thank God! Breakfast won’t be a problem” ‘he’ thought. There were many trees and silent corners around the campus – “Bunks won’t be a problem either!” ‘he’ further thought…
 
Whilst in the middle of his thoughts and groups and herds of boys and girls rushing to find their classes, ‘he’ thought of friends… And that ‘he’ had very few – literally very few. Actually none! All those people whom ‘he’ thought friends were there only for some purpose. And over the years, ‘he’ had developed a sense of belongingness with solitude. ‘He’ thought himself as the only person in the world ‘he’ cared about and was happy with that – at least, no one could hurt him with this attitude!
 
At last, ‘he’ was at the door of his class – as usual – late! ‘He’ had never been able to reach any educational place on time – may be because ‘he’ never liked to study! That is a different story that ‘he’ scored topmost bounty at school level exams, but all that glory was for others and not for himself! ‘He’ entered the class with his so called friends. The class was almost full – all the good places were taken and those left included either dramatically awkward conditions or very near or very far to the professor – both being the dangerous sites for a normal student. ‘He’ preferred the near one. So did one of his friend.
 
The lecture started with same old boring session of introducing the professor, college and the subjects. But somehow, ‘he’ had skipped all that. It seemed that ‘he’ was not in this world. ‘He’ was out of this college, watching a beautiful dream and enjoying the bliss of nature! But then it stroke him! “What the F@#%!” ‘He’ had been watching ‘the girl’ for past 15 minutes! “It’s your first day – first lecture, dude! What are you up to..?! Concentrate…” ‘he’ talked to himself.
 
The last word was very relative. You could concentrate – but on what, now that was something subject to! ‘He’ could not take his eyes off ‘her’! What was happening to him! Why was ‘he’ so dumbstruck! “She’s just a girl! What’s the matter! Stop this NOW…!” ‘he’ shouted to himself (in his mind that is). But all ‘he’ could do was watch the most amazing girl ‘he’ had ever seen in his life! There ‘she’ was… Playing with ‘her’ hair, eyes like of an angel, face like an angel, hairs like an angel, smile like an angel… Oh! ‘She’ was an angel! His angel…! His girl sent from the holy heaven…!
 
‘He’ was so lost in her thoughts that ‘he’ could never hear the bells or other professors that entered the class or the final bell that called for end of day’s play! All ‘he’ did was just stargaze! (here ‘she’ was the star…)
 
The girl, so divine, so pure, so beautiful yet so simple – the girl he dreamt about all the time… She was simple yet utterly pretty girl one can ever find. Even the flaws were so sculptured to give a marvelously beautiful piece of art. Her smile – the one thing that even the new-born would die for. Her cheeks – where Humty-dumty would have fallen due to the seamless shape. Her hairs – so clean so plain playing around her face in wind (actually only he felt the breeze to be stormy winds – love was in the air)… She was so carved out by the maker that He himself would have died of happiness on making such a perfect Human Body..! (Cuz we find almost all human body with some or other defect)
 
He heard a voice from inside him that he should better look away or he would get lost in the beauty of an angel sent right from the heaven (or at least others would know his intentions). But then he saw that thing that he won’t forget ever, even after 100 rebirths in whatever form it may be… (what!?) Her eyes..! She had the eyes of God (he thought) that looking right into it would show you the whole universe! (For him, fallen in love, her eyes were his world). One look in her eyes and you’ll probably would like to stop that moment forever and would want or may be would ‘need’ nothing else. He just wished time to stop there and he’d just keep looking in her eyes, deeper than the Pacific ocean, darker than the sky, shiny like a star, so mesmerizing…
 
The college had its own benefits – you don’t have rules to follow, line to walk, time to reach the bus waiting to take you back… You could decide exactly on how much time you needed to pack, just the time required to walk, the path to choose for walking, the place to look while walking…
 
So, ‘he’ used the benefits for himself. Also, ‘he’ had an advantage – ‘She’ was his friend’s friend, so his friend could introduce ‘him’ to ‘her’! For that day – his career didn’t matter much, the deaths of tigers was not important, and who the hell was interested in rising prices, falling growth and creeping recession in the economy! Anything important could only be to make ‘her’ know about the existence of ‘him’. But how? And ‘he’ was the worst showoff, with no topics to talk even with his best-friend! What was to be done!
 
But then it happened! Luck was so with him… They started introducing each other’s friends to each other. This was it! The golden moment ‘he’ had been waiting for ages (which started just 2 hours ago!)
 
Finally… ‘Her’ name was… (what’s there in name!) Only if ‘he’ could add to the topics flowing from their mouths, but couldn’t! Obviously, all these years of solitude had taken over all his communication skills. Then too, today’s “Hi…” was the most beautiful moment of all the years ‘he’ had been on earth! Woohoo…!
 
Again ‘he’ had advantage here – ‘he’ could watch all of them (especially her – actually just her). All was just awesome. Just the way ‘he’ wanted it to be. Slow and simple. Great! And this was the start of one of the greatest love stories of the age!
 
In the rain of words, comments, laughs, jokes, PJs and others, there were some talks about the personal lives of all. Friends usually get along only as they start sharing  their personal lives with each other… So was happening with this group. Likes, dislikes, hobbies, contact nos., email ids, Facebook ids, etc. etc. In that were also, relationship status – single, committed or complicated!
 
‘He’ was least concerned in the topics of discussion. As ‘he’ never had seen a girl more intensely than ‘her’. ‘He’ could almost sketch ‘her’ with eyes closed! ‘He’ observed all ‘her’ features and postures. “God is really the best sculpturer of all…!” ‘he’ thought “…to make such a great creation of all times!
 
But then, turn by turn, people talked about themselves. When it was time for ‘her’ to speak, ‘he’ was found to be concentrating like ‘he’ had not even done in his exams! Many things ‘she’ said were coinciding with ‘his’ nature. ‘She’ was the perfect one for ‘him’. But all this while ‘he’ forgot to think whether ‘he’ was the perfect one for ‘her’? It happens many times that we are too lost in our thoughts that tend to ignore the reality and think our dreams to be the real world! Same was the case was with ‘him’.
 
She looked happier than before and her face was glowing like sun. She was blushing, hell ya! She was red as if someone had just proposed her and she couldn’t resist herself from saying ‘Yes’! In the dreadful fear of such a thought he became more conscious as to what was being conversed. He found that people were talking about a person not currently present there – but maybe their common friend (he didn’t knew ‘cuz he was new in the group). And they were constantly taunting her about him. He felt scared and he just asked casually (at least tried to) – ‘what’s going on?’ He had the benefit that nobody knew him and he knew nobody so people won’t be suspicious about him (especially her). Then his friend told him that they were talking about someone who is very special for ‘her’. He got it (Mr. Fate had kicked him on his heart) but didn’t want to understand it that way, so he asked again – to make it sure.
 
When it came to ‘him’, time stopped! He felt like ‘he’ was sentenced to 500 hangs-till-deaths! As if ‘he’ was offered world’s greatest treasure and then denied as key was not available to the chest! ‘He’ kept on repeating the words in his mind – “she is already committed!” ‘He’ had almost cried there on being blown off by the blast! ‘He’ was no longer there – ‘he’ had already left from there – just ‘his’ eyes still couldn’t stop staring ‘her’ – these eyes in which he had found his world, his life, were actually not meant to be for him..
 
But then he lifted himself back thinking – “It happens.. It would happen again, there would be some other girl”. But no, even the thought that she was out of her reach made him desiring a suicide… He was so in love that given all the happiness, all the monies, all the achievements in this world, he’d choose otherwise… ‘Cuz all he wanted was to love her till the end of his last breath..!
 
The last sight of her, her eyes – he so wanted that nothing else should happen to him in this life – this should be end of his life with that beautiful moment to die happily… But death won’t entertain him like that! He was to die everyday, every second of his life, in love… Now he realised what was it that people called love to be the greatest feeling in the world – that she had made a place in his heart permanently that nothing would ever heal him for love had taken the price from him – his heart…
 
But as it was, ‘she’ was for someone else. And ‘he’ knew ‘he’ could be never better than that other person, whoever, he might be! ‘Cuz, ‘he’ was tall but not handsome; he was smart but not smart enough; he had good nature but was extremely boring! With all such qualities, ‘he’ might be a good friend, but ‘he’ surely cannot be a good – you know what! And that thought was killing him!
 
That night he couldn’t sleep. He kept on rewinding that episode which would start from her eyes and end with his eyes – so full of tears…
 
Why it is so that you can’t control over your mind! Even after you know they can’t be with you… You just can’t stop thinking about them… Even when you know, it is out of your reach… that it will spoil their life… but you just can’t…! Why is it that you just can’t…?
 

He asked himself was this his love story that he dreamt about all his life…? Was this his love story – that ended before even it could begin…!