My Friend, Loneliness

An essay on my friend, loneliness, who cares for me enough that it agrees to lets me go, and whom I love enough to not accept to let go.

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Our favorite topic for essay writing as a child used to be ‘My Best Friend’. No other topic used to appeal us that much as this particular topic, as we could just write what we felt instead of searching for words. We used to write all the things we could remember about that one person, nonetheless that might be a very few things to remember at that time.

As a child, I did not have that privilege of having a best friend. Whenever such a topic was tossed at me, I used to choose other options instead. And the word barely made any sense to me. Even now, I do not understand the superlative degree assigned to it. ‘Best’ means better than ‘better’, and even better than ‘good’. Superlative degree implies that it tends to stay highest in the category. But then superlative also means ‘exaggeration’, which made me wonder – is ‘Best friend’ an overinflated relation in our life?

Anyway, leaving the language disarray aside, in my childhood, I used to write this essay on my friend, Loneliness.

Loneliness has been the only constant thing in my life since childhood. It has been there with me in good times and in bad times. It tried to sneak away from the back door once or twice, allowing someone to swoop in into my life. But somehow in the end, things always led us to be together. And to be honest, I liked being with it.

Unlike my endeavors with other ‘Best friends’, our relationship has stayed intact after having sailed through the tough times that any relationship passes through. It allowed me to reorganize my life after the mayhem the storm left. It stayed, holding hands with me, when I needed it the most.

Apart from the mutual feeling of belongingness for each other, we shared a lot of common things – me and loneliness. It had two faces – one where it spread gloom and dismay wherever it went, and the other where it spread the light of hope and jump-started the brain to work towards betterment. I had similar bipolar symptoms. I used to be utmost boring at times, converting even the most happening event an excuse of melancholy And at times, the spark in me could light up a dull and regretful talk into a happening, fun ride.

We were great together. And I had always found peace while being with it. But recently, I thing something has jinxed our relationship. The sparking part of our relationship has dried out and we spend most of our time in quiet. Something’s not right about it, something’s missing – it keeps on saying to me. It keeps on looking outside the window, waiting for something to happen. And I wonder what wrong did I do to it, what mistake did I make, how did I hurt it, that even the loneliness is seeking to leave me!

I asked it what could I do to make it feel better, to bring back the spark between us, just like the good-old-times. But it doesn’t answer my question. It never did. It has always been like that, keeping to itself, peaceful. But somehow, things had always worked out between us. We both used to communicate despite our persistent silence. But now, I speak and I wish it spoke back to me. I wish it would tell me the reason before the final moment of dismay.

As this is how it has always been. This is how my life always turns up after a long story, not a happy ending. And I have always marked it as a beginning of another chapter instead of an end of the story. But without my best friend, without loneliness, and without anyone else being there for my support, I wonder how things will turn out…

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The Bird – Missing Someone

A series of stories of a bird who leaves his parents’ nest and moves on to live his life in his own way.

After leaving the house of his parents, the bird had set foot in the world of opportunities, which could both help him fly high or dump him right on the ground. While juggling his world with arranging his new nest and the new life, the bird feels the need of a companion, for the first time.

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Previous posts under this series:

The Bird – Finding a Nest

He had just returned from his morning flight. He loved flying over the town in the morning, just when the first ray of light touched the highest trees on the ground. All other birds would wake up after the sun was up enough to splash its sunlight on the ground. By that time, he used to make his trip.

He felt something he couldn’t explain in words, when the morning cold breeze and the new-born sunlight used to touch his feathers. He would just close his eyes, spread his wings fully apart and just go with the wind. And when he reached the end of his town, he would open his eyes and see the naked beauty of the sun, no buildings or man-made aesthetics to blur its beauty.

He cleaned his nest with a flap of his huge wings and settled back the twigs for the next night. Soon it will be time for going for the morning ritual – food, work, food, work and food, before it would be time for taking rest again. He watched other birds in the nearby nests. They had started to wake up.

He loved watching them wake up. It was half the reason for his early rise from his sleep. The birds around his nest used to wake each other up. Those staying alone used to show off their place and strength, in order to attract females and keep other males at bay. While some notorious ones used to invade other’s privacy by flying into other’s marked spaces. And it was just seconds that a fight would start between the owner and the encroacher.

But he didn’t like watching all that. He enjoyed watching the couples wake-up. It was an amazing sight, funny sometimes, and adorable too. One of them would wake-up and slowly caress, gently stroke the other’s head with its beak. The other would slowly open its eyes and the first thing it will see in the morning would be the his love in the eyes of its loved one. And then they would entwine themselves in the rickety ride of beak-lock, entangling their beaks and pushing each other up and down.

Gross! It used to be his first reaction to such acts of other birds. Rumbling inside other’s beak without the morning gargle! But then he felt something else too watching them. His heart used to slow down watching the scene. And a strange crunch would start out of nowhere in his stomach. Probably, he missed all this in his life.

During the day, he would think about how his life would be like if he also had a companion in his life. His early months after he left the house of his parents were hard. And he felt this dire need of being with someone. But he always pushed away those feelings thinking that he had to make his life first, and this was only temporary reaction of his mind upon leaving his parents. But then, those thoughts never stopped after more than a year from that time now.

He had met several people on his way to this town, before he finally settled at his current space in the corner of the balcony of an abandoned man-house. But none of them made him feel weak at heart. None of them were compatible to him. And he moved on easily from all the occasional beak-locks and making out times with some, he didn’t care enough to remember. But he was waiting for someone whom he would never let go. And that made him feel incomplete everyday.

In the evening, when he would return from his long flight of searching for food, having fought several fights with some annoying birds on the way, and finding his purpose of life, living his dreams, he would see the sunset, alone. He would sit on the chimney of the house, and watch the sun burn the last rays of light. He would extend his wings to touch the light as it would slowly rise towards the sky, leaving the ground to embrace the darkness and wait for another day, another morning when they will meet again. Although the sunset is always beautiful, he would feel low at heart having to watch it without someone by his side.

At night, he would arrange his extra twigs to form a structure of another bird, a portion around his side, and would close his eyes, letting his feathers feel the touch of another warm being, imaginary companion by his side. It was the only time during the day, other than the morning escapes, when he would actually smile without a reason…

After-all, the truth was harsh and he knew it. Life wasn’t all generous all the time. He understood he had to accept how things were in his case. Due to his nature, no one was ever gonna be with him forever. He wouldn’t let that happen…

Non-stop Series – F.R.I.E.N.D.S

What happens when you watch a whole series at one stretch, non-stop?

Let’s try it out with ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S’ this time.

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It was a big weekend, and I had no plans whatsoever with anyone alive or dead, from this world or otherwise, in real or even in my fantasy.

So, in order to stop my mind from feeling low and depressed, I started watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. One after the other, each episode indulged me to watch more and except for a few “necessary” times, I didn’t get up from my bed during the whole long weekend.

By now, I would have seen this series several dozens of times, but still it’s my favorite pass time.

But as soon as I finished all the available seasons of this series, something weird started to happen with me. I started behaving strangely for a couple of days after. It was no longer my world that I was living in, it was the world of F.R.I.E.N.D.S that I had fallen into.

All my surroundings and my behavior changed to match to some or other character from the series. And reading the following scenes, you’d surely understand it had been weirdly funny:

– As soon as I opened the door to my house, I’d announce my arrival in some funny way, expecting my friends to be present in the hall. Although, I live alone.

– I’d want to go to the coffee bar all the time with my (fictitious) friends.

– While sitting alone in my room, suddenly I’d jump up to tell something really interesting I remembered by saying ‘Hey! Guess what!’ or ‘You know what…’ but then I’d realise there’s no one around and would keep that thought to myself.

– Whenever I’d see someone appealing, I’d instantly speak up, ‘Hey everyone check out the…’ and then realise I was speaking to myself.

– Unknowingly, I’d start singing “I’ll be there for you…” Or while playing guitar, out of tune, I’d start playing the intro music, surprisingly in tune.

– I’d suddenly realise that life without real friends is so miserable and that I’d been living such a life since a long time.

– Suddenly I’d choose a character similar to me and start quoting his dialogues everywhere. Everywhere.

– I’d pay more attention to details and try to say something sarcastic, the moment I get a chance. And then smile like an idiot as no one else would have understood that. (Remembering Chandler)

– I’d make a loud expression saying “I don’t share food!” whenever someone tried to take a bite out of my plate. Just to laugh later to see other’s shocked faces. (Remembering Joey)

– I’d clean the mess out of my house every weekend and will go all crazy on people who move things from the places. That’s actually me, even without watching friends. (Still, remembering Monica.)

– Sometimes, I plan a wicked trick with my friends, let them fight with each other. Then again use some sort of trickery to resolve things between them. I love playing mind games. But then am good at heart and can’t see bad things happening to others, so I help them make better choices. But things make me hard to understand. (Remembering Phoebe)

– Sometimes, I just can’t stop bragging about things and showing off my knowledge, on topics that no one is interested in.

– Thanksgiving, or any festival for that sake, are not fun unless you have the right conpany.

– Watching from the window, checking out the opposite balconies is fun. But not so much without friends nearby or without the ugly naked guy.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S is a television sitcom, created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, distributed by Warner Bros. All rights are reserved by them.

Living alone vs Living with a family

Living Alone vs Living with Family, which one would you prefer?

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When you live alone for long enough, you tend to develop mixed feelings for both these types of living habits.

I stayed away from my family for more than 5 years to complete my education. Thereafter, I have a job away from my family. However, mother or father or both do occasional visits to my place. And so do other relatives.

While I stayed with my family, I never had such thought in my mind. But now I am confused whether I like to stay alone more or with my family.

Look at my own-self argue with other regarding which lifestyle is better:

When we stay alone, we are totally free to do whatever we want. We can give our entire time to ourselves. There’s no one to give us any work, there’s no one to interrupt in our personal time.

While at the same time, there’s no one to talk to. There’s no one to take care of us when we are down with sickness or just depressed. There’s no one to look forward to when we are returning home. It feels lonely at times and depressing even.

But when we stay with our family, we can’t watch whatever we want on TV. Sometimes your favorite show coincides with that of someone in your family. (No you don’t have another TV and neither do you have recording facility). What if there’s someone elderly and their views about something are not the same as yours? What if all they talk about is God and your marriage? It’s better to stay alone than to handle this.

But then whom would you tell all the incidents from today? Whom would you play games with? Whom would you show the profile of your crush and ask for some ideas to approach her? Whom do you ask for a warm hug when you need it so dearly?

But then they invade your room without your permission! They keep on asking weird questions and annoy you. They use your things and change their places. They put their views above yours b’cuz they are elder. Their needs become your priority above your own personal pass time. Your free time gets occupied by their activities.

Nevertheless you were not going to do something great in that free time, were you? You were going to watch some stupid movie or waste your time organizing your library. Or you were going to go through all your friends’ updates and feel miserable about your life.

But then you missed that movie with your friends as you had to take your elder shopping. You missed your night out with your best friend as your family won’t allow you to do that. You couldn’t arrange that match at your house as your grandma won’t like it.

Yes, but no one is stopping you from enjoying. Family deserves your time too. And you can have lots of fun moments with your family too! And you can always mix your family and friends to enjoy events.

But you can’t enjoy the same way as you enjoy with your friends alone.

Vice versa applied too…

Yes but then there are lots of restrictions.

You consider them restrictions. They are only guidelines. For your own safety. And when we live with someone we have to take care of their needs to. Don’t your family takes care of you in all circumstances?

They do. But we don’t have to sacrifice our desires with friends.

Oh is it? Don’t you have to go with them even when you don’t want to? Doesn’t deciding a place to hangout makes you sick with all those arguments and discussions? Don’t you miss your brother or sister more when your friend doesn’t help you with something? You sacrifice in case of friendship too. And haven’t family members sacrificed a lot for you? Now don’t get me started on that…

Yes, but then as we grow up, we have our own views about life. We can’t follow someone else’s views. With change in time, we have to change our views. We have to accept new culture and move with it. We can’t live in past. But these elders at home won’t understand this.

True that. But that is generation gap. You have to make them understand. You have to prove it to them that what you think is actually valid and safe. It takes time and effort but remember that will help you too, when you’re on the other side of the table.

Do you think I wouldn’t have tried? I have tried explaining them my point but they always take the discussion to that point where it is question of their respect and seniority. And hence, we cannot speak anything further. Besides, don’t you think you lose your freedom while living with them?

Freedom is a relative word. What you consider freedom might not be freedom for me. While I might just solve all conflicts with a simple discussion with my family. There’s nothing a discussion can’t solve.

Yes, but discussions do not always come to your favour. While if you had been staying alone, there would be no need of these discussions.

But don’t you feel lonely at times while staying alone?

Yes, but I miss my carefree and independent life more…

But…

Their arguments would never end…! And I don’t think they will ever come to a conclusion either.
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What about you? Which lifestyle do you prefer – Living alone or Living with a family? Say in comments…

Friends vs Friends

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The ball came bouncing at Grandpa’s head, while he was sitting in the garden reading his newspaper. He looked from his crooked specs at the boy, who came running behind the ball.

The boy said, panting, ‘Hi… Hi Grandpa… I… I am… Sorry. I couldn’t catch the ball… when it…’

Grandpa interrupted ‘Never mind.’

Then suddenly, he stopped reading and asked the boy with inquisitiveness ‘Why aren’t you playing with your friends today?’

The boy said sadly ‘I don’t have friends…’

Grandpa kept looking at him. The boy said ‘My friends are cruel. They tease me on things I don’t like even after telling them not to. If they are my friends, can’t they understand my simple request?!’

Grandpa said simply ‘May be they’re not your friends. Or maybe you are not theirs.’

Boy looked confused ‘People in my school have hundreds of friends. And my list is just one paper long! And in those too, no one cares for me. They always fight with me over the game and go away if I don’t let them touch my things… How do I know who’s my friend and who’s not?’

Grandpa smiled and said ‘So you too have fallen in the Friends vs. friends dilemma…’

Boy looked confused.

Grandpa continued ‘Dear son, listen carefully. Friendship is not a relationship. It’s a feeling that you share, be it in any relationship. A friend is like a cheerleader, who’ll always be right by your side, whether you need her or not. You don’t require to please someone to become their friends. Doing that only makes you vulnerable to people’s selfishness. Friends comes in all shapes and types, but they all make us feel alive. With them we don’t have to fake ourselves. We always have something to talk about and laugh on. Becoming friends with someone is just a matter of one incident, which makes you realize their worth. Lucky are those who get to face that incident before they lose their friendship…’

The boy said ‘But then, they always fight and leave someday…’

‘Yes. But that doesn’t mean you can’t call them back, does it?’ replied Grandpa with all his wisdom ‘Friends stick together, even after a fight, although with a punched face.’ and they laughed.

Continue reading

A Little Lullaby

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Sleep my kitty, sleep well…
Let the night cast upon you it’s nightly spell…
Let the dreams come by and say hello,
Greet them well, my little fellow,
Let the rainbows fall from the sky,
Dance with the birds, fly with butterflies,
Sleep my kitty, sleep well…

The stars would glitter their lights upon you,
The moon may come and go,
I’d be there sitting by your side,
Caressing your head, holding your hand,
Don’t you worry, my little sunshine,
I’ve told angels to guard you, whole night,
Sleep my kitty, sleep well…

How calm your face looks right now,
How peacefully you sleep, with my arms around,
I see the little contour in your cheek,
I wish to play on it all night,
Dream my dear, dream high,
Someday, I know, you can touch the sky,
Sleep my kitty, sleep well…

I’ll sing you this lullaby each night,
I’ll watch you smile in the moonlight,
I’ll kiss you good night, my little jingle bell,
Sleep my kitty, sleep well…

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Let’s make a story

Make a story with these five words – one, two, three, four, five 😛

… …

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While I was wandering in reverie, with tenacity to go as far as possible from reality, a hiatus brought me back to the present. They were a series of mobile notifications from different apps – news, social, shopping etc.

None were important and none were useful. All of them had a peculiar unfamiliarity, as if they were not for me; but sent by mistake or as if they were too lazy to remove me from their broadcast group.

I quickly scanned through them, observing the app name (intention being removing those background running services). While annihilating those notifications, my eyes found preciousness amongst insipid mono-tifications (monotonous notifications)… It was from my best friend.

She had a challenge for me. I had to make a story using the words she gave to me. I accepted. While my acceptance was unrequited, my propensity to do everything different than others led me to think that my story should be edifying. Something she might have not expected. Something highlighting some acute social problem yet being entertaining that the reader would read it with palpitation.

But then I received the words from her. I raked through the words – apartheid, relinquish, dovish… Just a glance decimated all my emulations.

Just then the astuteness in my mind came out from its ambush and I was ready with an adroit plan. I was smirking like a magnate would do when he thinks of an ingenious business plan to overcome a fulminant situation.

I sent her this story:

<<<

We both were punished for our talkative behaviour during class. Our English teacher was very unhappy with us. So she gave us a task which we had to complete after school but without taking help from anyone except the library. We weren’t supposed to go home till we completed the task.

She gave us following words and told us to make a story out of it.

“Unrequited, hiatus, apartheid, ambush, decimate, reverie, tenacity, propensity, relinquish, annihilate, acute, preciousness, dovish, palpitation, edifying, magnate”

We sincerely obliged to do so. After the school was over and everyone went back home, me and my best friend went to the library. Despite our fear of the ghost of the dead librarian, we entered the library, although with shivering foot steps. It was dark and dusty.

We quickly went to the Languages section and found ourselves a dictionary. After a few awkward glances at the surrounding, we came to know that our seniors were pulling our legs about the ghost of the librarian.

So we went on with the task of our punishment. What started with finding the meaning of these words in the dictionary, soon transformed into making fun of different English words, making them sound as obscene as we could and then mimicking our Hindi teacher try and pronounce them.

And the best part, by the time we left for home, we were ready with an evil plan to strike back on our seniors.

Overall, it was fun… The punishment of course! 😉

(Edited a little… :P)

>>>

She gave a duh-some expression and then laughed out crazy… 😀 We both were laughing.

Then she made her story. It was edifying in real, not mine… 😛

<<<

Being a magnate that he was, showcasing a dovish nature outside, a few people actually knew how a person he was.

That day, he took a hiatus from his busy schedule, to know where to his life has been moving to. Has it just turned out to be full of ambitions, aiming for one thing just after achieving the previous one and ambushed in the trap of wealth creation or was there any life (as a verb) left into his life?

He was now into his own reverie. Thinking of the times when life had trapped him into an unrequited love and how juggling from all that he was here, now considered as an apartheid. He DIDN’T Realize that in relinquishing her, he had annihilated himself. He could now feel love for her after maybe everything was over.

He had decimated a few like in this case before, but this time it was something different. His tenacity had won over her love. His ambition to achieve more, to make big in his life.

The last time he saw her was at an edifying school event,where he was invited as a chief guest. To win hearts of people he would skillfully wear that mask and enchant the people with his inspiring words. But it was only one woman, the lady mothering his child, who knew he always had this tendency, which even she was trapped into.

But being a bold lady that she was, she never had this thought of going back to the man,who had abandoned them,their 3-month old foetus in her womb and herself, just to climb that ladder of success!”

>>>

I read it again after each full stop. 😀 Effortful it was, the reading…

So I tried again. And came up with this…

<<<

A little boy was walking down the street with his best friend, his dog. He had to match his stride with his dog’s and so, so was the palpitation. He talked about his day and about stuff he did with his school mates. He shared almost all the acute details with his dog, his best friend after all.

At a crossroad, he stopped and observed the streets for a while. The dog, dovish, stood by his side. The Boy then said to his dog, while pointing at a tree two blocks away:

“Com’on Buddy! Let’s race… Let’s see who reaches first two blocks from here. See that tree with red leaves? There… Ready?”

His dog got up at once. And replied by a bark.

The Boy started running first, but soon was overtaken by the dog. Still, his tenacity was unaffected. He rushed upon with all the propensity.

The dog reached the block first. And obediently stood there waiting for his friend to reach. When the boy reached there, he didn’t stop. He continued running further and shouted “Not this one buddy. I meant that tree.”

Ah! Little boy fouled to win. Dog started running again. In the chase to win, they both entered a garden, where the boy fell on the ground.

The dog and the boy slumbered on the green grass. The Boy said:

“Okay! Okay! You win. I cheated. Sorry… But you can run faster than me with your extra two legs!”

The dog licked his friend’s face. Friendship and innocence was at its best. The preciousness of childhood…

While the two friends were busy playing, the door of the house besides the garden made a loud noise and a tall and dark man, in his late 50s came out to see what the noise was about.

The man was a magnate in the town, but he would hardly meet anyone. He stayed in secret to people’s eyes as he didn’t like being social.

Looking at the hiatus, the dog quickly got into ambush, ready to decimate the threat upon his friend’s command.

The Boy however was imagining things in his reverie. He imagined that the dark man was a dark monster, who invites little kids to his home in the cover of giving them chocolates and then eats them alive…

The old man, although didn’t like people much, but had always loved children. He asked the boy who he was and what was he doing in his garden.

The Boy was silent. He was still in his reverie.

The old man offered the boy to come in to his house and to have chocolates.

The Boy thought his imagination was coming true. So he ran towards the gate with utmost haste.

The old man, a little confused at his unrequited invitation, called out the boy to stop and come back.

The Boy took little steps in palpitation. He thought how many little kids this old devil would have annihilated before him. The old man said “Com’on… Don’t be afraid of me. See, I got chocolates for you.”

The Boy relinquished his fears and took the chocolate he offered. Took one bite of it and gave one bite to his dog.

This was the start of the friendship of the little boy and the old man. The Boy told the old man everything about his reverie. The old man laughed and said “I hate the apartheid done in our country. Even such tender souls are filled with such bias.”

An acute point raised through an edifying yet innocent incident.

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P.s.: And I made this too… 😉