She Almost Loved Me

Almost a fictional narrative about a girl who loved me…
… …

Not every one finds true love in their lives. And of those who do, not everyone can realise that fact before already losing them.

I woke up with a grim face. It was Sunday morning and I got up from my slumped position on my bed when the doorbell rang.

I walked up to door without giving a second look to nothing to my way and came back without looking who it was once I opened the door. Nothing mattered to me, except that I wanted to go back to sleep.

Soon I got bored of sleeping, I woke up and took a bath, dressed up and prepared my breakfast. I switched on the TV as that was what I was gonna do for the whole day. I put a random channel with some movie going on and sat infront of the screen.

I didn’t even realize that clock completed three whole rotations and I was sitting at the same place since morning till noon. I had to go for my lunch somewhere.

I entered a random restaurant and ate whatever they served on the plate.

After returning back home, I slumped back on the couch and took my phone in my hand for the first time since waking up. There were several notifications, which I casually swiped through, half even without reading.

While doing that, I saw a notification of a new profile update by her. I quickly opened that notification and stared at her beautiful face for quite a while. She wore a baby pink tee with khakhi shorts and matching star shaped earnings. Her eyes were round and teasing as always. She made a mouse face like a child and all I felt was pain…

In our lives, we are given several opportunities to find happiness. The catch here is that if you fail at finding that limited stock of happiness, you’d definitely find unlimited stock of grief…

There was a time when we were totally crazy into our friendship. We used to talk only occasionally, but whenever we did, we really hit it off.

I still remember when I first met her at a birthday party of my friend and our journey started from then. We stayed in different States and could hardly meet, but that never reduced our emotions for each other.

We used to share our deepest secrets and our deepest fears with each other. We used to help each other in the weirdest of all problems and used to handle the other person’s bothersome habits.

But somehow, in the game of balancing on the string of emotions, we somehow forget that one little jerk may cause a painfull fall.

I completed writing down another story for my blog. It was almost evening and time for exercise. I started doing it as hard as I could, trying to give me more and more difficulty.

Now-a-days I enjoyed watching myself in pain. A day without some trouble wouldn’t count as a day for me at all. And when in some trouble, I would let me suffer to my heart’s content before coming out of it.

Not always, but at times, pain is the best medicine for a hurt heart.

After my workout, I walked out in the balcony to watch kids playing. Watching them play was comforting for me in these otherwise ho-hum days. I missed playing table tennis with her. We had played only once when we met after two years of our friendship on her birthday in her town. That day is engrossed in my mind eternally.

The screensaver started on my laptop which brought me back to this world. I was lost thinking about the time we were together. I saw our photos of the trip to Manali. It was ecstatic watching our pics. We were so great together. But then, not all can maintain the balance in a relationship. And I was poor in that.

One thing led to other and other thing led to another. We were fighting over petty issues. And she brooded at me for several days. I being of that nature never realized that she was sulky due to that incident. I had forgotten that fight the next morning I woke up, but she was very hurt.

After that fight, she used to tell me all the things that she ignored earlier in me and how that made her feel sad and stewed due to my behavior. And I got more and more agitated for the fact that she had never mentioned these things before and we were so good together, how did these things come in between us!

Soon her behavior changed. Her emotions for me were wearing off. She was moving away from me while I was still trying to identify the issue that led to this time in our relationship. All things aside, but she couldn’t heal off the holes left in her heart by my thorns, my actions.

Emotionally hurt person has scars all over the body, just not visible. With each breath that he takes, with each pump of blood in his veins, those scars are touched again, are scraped again, with the claws of his broken heart, trying to stay alive…

She was a girl who understood me more than myself. And she knew that I wouldn’t be able to understand what she felt or why she is changing. And so she moved, slowly, away from me. She knew that this would scar us both, but she did it for her happiness. She would have always felt graveled with my behavior and attitude towards life. And she left, without breaking me into pieces, without tearing me apart… But without her, what was I, a scrambled soul.

As we had never told each other about our love for each other, there was no breaking up. It was just a parallel shift from being great together to just being us, not together.

Even today we talk and share a laugh or two. But times have changed. It is not the same as before and it won’t ever be. She took a turn in her life and moved on to be happy. While I’m standing on that turn, thinking about where to go, as without her there’s no journey left in my life.

My phone rang and my friends were meeting up for a late night party and booze. I got ready and walked in the party with a big smile on my face. My friends cheered me welcome as being the most beaming person of the group.

Up above the stars watched me spread joy and humor in the group with my, sometimes pesky, sense of humor. But the moon went behind the dark clouds, so that he had not to see me as I acted out my condition infront of the world.

At night, I try not to remember her. For if I let it be, I wouldn’t want to wake up from my dreams. I will see those dreams when I finally lie on my last bed.

Togetherness ought to be the biggest sin, for it takes away the life out of our heart when it finally stays no more…

I Almost Understood Her

While I have had several such occasions where I almost had a love story, but every time it was pretty clear how the things were going on. But in this particular case, I got ridiculed every time I thought I understood her.

So here it goes…

I didn’t see (read as notice) her for several days since we got acquainted. It was at her birthday that I first stopped to take a good glance at her. When I wished her, she returned her thanks with a pleasant smile on her face, that was when I got fascinated the way she carried herself.

But soon that tide passed away and things got normal.

Then one day, I had a chance to communicate with her for more than a few minutes, and the discussion was pure professional work. But her personality enchanted me. Apart from being a pretty face, she also had sharp observation and a smart approach to everything she did.

Soon we started communicating more and I got to know her creative side. And I started opening up myself to her. But then, suddenly on one bloody day, it all went back to the day we started. As if I had just time traveled into past, our confab just stopped. She would reply if I initiate a talk, but not with the same interest as earlier.

I tried going through the previous days and tried to find anything that I did that might have pissed her off, as that happens a lot with me. But in this case, I just couldn’t find anything for her weird behavior.

Again, the time-glass turned, and she wished me morning on her own without any initiation from my side, whatsoever. I had just accepted her weirdness around me and had stopped talking to her. But her change to convivial attitude confused me. There she was turning her head away when our eyes met, and again she is all cheerful and friendly.

I let it flow without giving much efforts into the sudden change. As her mood was right, we took our respites together. Games and movies were also tried and tested. And it worked for while.

But as every dawn as a dusk following, her cheerful and friendly nature had irritated and uninterested nature followed up. She stopped coming for those breaks and movie sessions. She turned down any hangout plan that I or any one in the group offered. And I let it flow this time even. As still, it was unclear to me what was in her mind.

Her birthday returned and I wished her in my own style. That overwhelmed her and I had expected a mood change this time, since this was her down-time going on. And yes, her up-time did come, but lasted just two days. This totally confounded me. I couldn’t think that I understand her any longer. Her weirdness was way above my ken to understand. And that pinched me for a while, but my cold-blooded dispassionate self helped me get over it easily.

Such series of her up-time with me and her down-time with me continued after that. While I keep heed of any taking-advantage scenario, nevertheless, I followed her cycles without much regard for it.

I stopped thinking about why she behaves like that and what’s there in her mind. I stopped finding adjectives from good side and from bad side for her.

Like seasons, I see her come and go, rise and fall. Like clouds in the sky, I see her, but never try to reach to her. There was a time when I almost understood her. But now, I have stopped trying to…

Almost… A Test Drive

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It was a summer afternoon and the sunlight was turning even my soul dark! 😛

I had not expected that in that scorching heat I’d find such a soothing experience… A fan!! (Actually, I convinced myself that the fan had helped me with the heat). So the real story goes like this…

On our way back to our office after having lunch, me and my colleagues saw an exhibition for a newly launched car. One of my colleague was planning to buy a car, so we went to check it out.

The car was placed in such a way that it would look stunning from each angle. People were examining it in all the ways – ogling her headlights, contemplating her design, checking out her interior, scrutinizing her comfort specs, and surveying her technical specifications from the representative.

My colleague started analysing the car too. A representative from the car company attended him and gave him a walkthrough about the car. After the briefing, my friend even tried his comfort inside the car by sitting on each of the seats.

All this while, I was standing peacefully in front of a fan. It was an amazing idea… A small water pipe with a tiny opening was attached just on the face of the fan. Due to that, constantly tiny water sprinkles were sprayed by the fan over the people. And in that heat, it gave an amazing cooling experience.

I was observing all the people around me. I wasn’t planning to buy the car and hence took no interest in the tour. But something else caught my eye… Or I should say – someone.

A simple, yet extraordinarily beautiful girl stood in front of me. She wore a simple white tee and blue jeans. She had her hair open. She moved with elegance that made a sharp impression. She talked in a manner that she could even convince a devil to be good.

She wore no makeup but just a little touchup over her lips. She wore a sports looking but classy watch and her nail paint had some sort of design. Her shoes were neat. And one couldn’t look more elegant than that.

She moved briskly from one person to other, offering them the template of the car and a gift from the company.

I didn’t notice her till she herself came to me. And after which, I couldn’t stand a second without noticing her. All the above observations were after we talked.

She came to me and said, giving me the gifts, – “This is for you… Sir.” The pause between her words and ‘Sir’ seemed deliberate.

I was totally occupied with her smile, but I managed to reply – “Thank you so much, but I am not planning to buy the car. You should instead offer these gifts to my friend over there who’s actually checking out the car…” (Ah! How can she smile like this!!)

She replied with a teasing smile on her face – “I know that. Your friend would also receive our gifts from someone else. But this one is for you… You keep it.” and she walked away, with her poking smile and her dangling hair…

I was so into her, her personality, her style, and that smile… that I couldn’t do anything after that… Yes… Nothing at all! (Yes I know I’m an idiot)

We exchanged a few glances after that. But she was busy attending the people and I was busy talking to my colleague, (or listening to him talk about the car features to me). I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but her. And then my colleagues took me from there and back to office.

But I couldn’t resist myself from thinking about her. Her smile – that would light up the night like the stars in the sky. All I wanted was to have one more chat with her. This time I wouldn’t be such a loser. But that ‘this time’ never came. I lost the opportunity and the opportunity lost me…

The exhibition was only for that day. I knew nothing of her – name, contact, nothing… Not even a sign that I could use to find her. That night, I kept on staring at the gifts she gave me. I thought, could it be different? I wished it to be… I wished it would’ve been more.

Another chance lost due to my sheepish manoeuvre of the situation. Another incomplete story.

A test drive, almost…

(Almost…) Nightingale

It was the last day of our batch. We were soon going to part ways and probably never meet again. So we decided to go out somewhere where we can have fun in our own silly ways…

We went to an old ‘museum cum art gallery cum restaurant’. It was peaceful place and could be said to be beautiful, if said with a little note 😛

We were examining the pieces of art with deep critical notice so that we could come up with some weird comment on it which would be added to the list of remembrances for today, the last day…

I wasn’t much interested in those art stuff, as I didn’t see any “art” in it. So, I went away from there and concentrated on the other people… What else to do? 😉 Several groups came and went.   Friends’ Hangouts are so much fun, assuming you have decent combination of all the characters in this world inside your group, one for each moment 😛

At the end of the (cave-kinda) way, I saw a group of girls sitting around a girl. Each of them was watching the one sitting in the middle. I was instantly curious. So I went there and as I came closer to that group, I went farther away from everyone…

That voice had engulfed me so much. The girl in the middle was singing. She was singing beautifully. She had that mesmerizing voice that anyone would love to listen. And she had that music-sense too! So bingo combination. I stood there with my eyes closed and enjoying her voice and the melody.

She sang songs one after other, some on her own, some from demands from her friends. Her voice spread to others in the cave and everyone was getting attracted to the spot I was standing at. My friends too came to me and they stood there enjoying her show.

Guys in my group were more interested in ‘her’ than her singing. But I just stood there with my eyes closed and singing along (humming actually). My love for music was more than my attraction towards girls. But as soon as I opened my eyes, she had her magic on me. I never knew when my moth was open and my eyes fixed on her. I came to know when my friend closed my mouth, giggling while doing it, with her hand. I smiled at her and she gave me that approving nod, which meant “Happens…!”

(Almost…) Bus No. 44/4

I was late. Usually I came office on time and left on time. That way, I could manager my upside life. But as we all have it, bosses never like our equilibrium… My whole day was wasted doing nothing, waiting for my boss’s instructions on one assignment. I don’t know why he enjoys doing this, but he would assign some work only during last half hour of the day’s play.

That day too, he had given me some work at 5:50 pm – just 10 minutes to my freedom. It took me two hours to complete the three hours job and he took 30 minutes for a 5 minutes review…!

Angry with the community of bosses, cursing them and everyone else, I left the office. It was almost half past seven. I knew I had missed the bus. The schedule for busses was distributed unevenly on that route, based on the traffic. And now, the next bus was exactly after one hour. So I was to waste my time on that God forsaken bus stand.

When I found no one to talk to, I called up my mother, my first best friend. I was talking to her about my scumbag boss and his dirty ways of torturing me. And when my complete frustration was out, we talked about random topics.

While talking to my mom, I never realized that I was walking past a girl in a brisk way, which she might find offending. That I came to realise only when I had put the phone back in my pocket and I saw her in my way.

I smiled at her and may be she realized that I did nothing intentionally.

More than one hour had passed now. And I saw that may be it was time to find something else as the bus was probably never gonna come, after all, it’s government service.

So I started looking for alternatives. So was she. But the problem on this route was that very few options are available for commute. A few private pliers enquired about our destination but went cuz he didn’t get enough people for one way ride.

I saw her enquiring to one such vendor and he told her that he would take her only if he found more people to travel. She turned to me and asked me where do I wanna go? We both had same route so I agreed. But the plier man wanted more people.

So I told her to wait for the bus instead. She agreed and we waited. Just about in 5 minutes the bus arrived. As she had the being-a-girl benefit, she board early and I was left to make my way inside the bus through that jam-packed door.

There were dozens of heads between us which made it difficult for us to get along. Somehow, I saw her seeing me constantly as if she wanted to talk to me, but may be was hesitant.

The bus driver helped me move forward in the crowd by applying ridiculously sudden brakes. I incidentally bumped into her. We exchanged smiles and it was the time for me to strike…

There was some soft music somewhere. I thought that may be I was hearing it on my own, but actually it was her ring tone. Call from home…

The call went on for almost 20 minutes. I wondered why would they waste such time when the girl was about to reach home in an hour! There was no emergency after all to compete all of it.

Finally she put her phone back into her bag and I got another opportunity. I kicked off the topic “do you travel by this bus everyday”. She answered in affirmative. She returned back my question and I told why was I late that day.

I was about to ask her name, etc. When the bus driver shouted my stop-name out loud. I had to climb down and we stared each other through the window till the time the bus took turn…

I never expected her to meet me again, cuz I wasn’t supposed to travel by that bus again ever, and probably whenever I did, I could never find her…

Almost a Love Story…

A boy meets a girl, they fell in love and are assumed to live happily ever after! However, there are love stories that are different – way too different.

Once upon time in Good world, there lived a boy. He was a plain and simple kind of guy, void of any love experience in his life. But he wasn’t desperate to find her girl. He just left it on fate… He thought that whatever happens, happens for good! He was unaware of the future that Mr. Fate had decided for him…
 
‘He’ was not so handsome, but a better specimen in his species of “Boys”. B’cuz all the other boys usually were characterized by rude behavior, bad habits, girls watch and bad language. All of which were not found in ‘him’. This made ‘him’ confident and calm at a time. “He’ thought that ‘he’ would accept that girl who will accept ‘him’ as ‘he’ is.
 
That was the first day of his college life. ‘He’ was scared – as ‘he’ knew no one. “Whom would I talk to?“, “I would be left alone…“, “Where would I sit?“, “What will I do?” – were his thoughts.
 
But then, ‘he’ found two of his classmates from school, who coincidentally, were in the same class. ‘He’ was glad that ‘he’ was spared from finding an appropriate friend for the year… This was his and their first lecture. Excitement was rushing in their veins. And nerves were out-of-control to find such big crowd – that too with so many beautiful girls all around…
 
But ‘he’ was busy thinking something else – as girls had always let him down – the reason ‘he’ was unaware of… At the corner of the college ground, there was a canteen – “Thank God! Breakfast won’t be a problem” ‘he’ thought. There were many trees and silent corners around the campus – “Bunks won’t be a problem either!” ‘he’ further thought…
 
Whilst in the middle of his thoughts and groups and herds of boys and girls rushing to find their classes, ‘he’ thought of friends… And that ‘he’ had very few – literally very few. Actually none! All those people whom ‘he’ thought friends were there only for some purpose. And over the years, ‘he’ had developed a sense of belongingness with solitude. ‘He’ thought himself as the only person in the world ‘he’ cared about and was happy with that – at least, no one could hurt him with this attitude!
 
At last, ‘he’ was at the door of his class – as usual – late! ‘He’ had never been able to reach any educational place on time – may be because ‘he’ never liked to study! That is a different story that ‘he’ scored topmost bounty at school level exams, but all that glory was for others and not for himself! ‘He’ entered the class with his so called friends. The class was almost full – all the good places were taken and those left included either dramatically awkward conditions or very near or very far to the professor – both being the dangerous sites for a normal student. ‘He’ preferred the near one. So did one of his friend.
 
The lecture started with same old boring session of introducing the professor, college and the subjects. But somehow, ‘he’ had skipped all that. It seemed that ‘he’ was not in this world. ‘He’ was out of this college, watching a beautiful dream and enjoying the bliss of nature! But then it stroke him! “What the F@#%!” ‘He’ had been watching ‘the girl’ for past 15 minutes! “It’s your first day – first lecture, dude! What are you up to..?! Concentrate…” ‘he’ talked to himself.
 
The last word was very relative. You could concentrate – but on what, now that was something subject to! ‘He’ could not take his eyes off ‘her’! What was happening to him! Why was ‘he’ so dumbstruck! “She’s just a girl! What’s the matter! Stop this NOW…!” ‘he’ shouted to himself (in his mind that is). But all ‘he’ could do was watch the most amazing girl ‘he’ had ever seen in his life! There ‘she’ was… Playing with ‘her’ hair, eyes like of an angel, face like an angel, hairs like an angel, smile like an angel… Oh! ‘She’ was an angel! His angel…! His girl sent from the holy heaven…!
 
‘He’ was so lost in her thoughts that ‘he’ could never hear the bells or other professors that entered the class or the final bell that called for end of day’s play! All ‘he’ did was just stargaze! (here ‘she’ was the star…)
 
The girl, so divine, so pure, so beautiful yet so simple – the girl he dreamt about all the time… She was simple yet utterly pretty girl one can ever find. Even the flaws were so sculptured to give a marvelously beautiful piece of art. Her smile – the one thing that even the new-born would die for. Her cheeks – where Humty-dumty would have fallen due to the seamless shape. Her hairs – so clean so plain playing around her face in wind (actually only he felt the breeze to be stormy winds – love was in the air)… She was so carved out by the maker that He himself would have died of happiness on making such a perfect Human Body..! (Cuz we find almost all human body with some or other defect)
 
He heard a voice from inside him that he should better look away or he would get lost in the beauty of an angel sent right from the heaven (or at least others would know his intentions). But then he saw that thing that he won’t forget ever, even after 100 rebirths in whatever form it may be… (what!?) Her eyes..! She had the eyes of God (he thought) that looking right into it would show you the whole universe! (For him, fallen in love, her eyes were his world). One look in her eyes and you’ll probably would like to stop that moment forever and would want or may be would ‘need’ nothing else. He just wished time to stop there and he’d just keep looking in her eyes, deeper than the Pacific ocean, darker than the sky, shiny like a star, so mesmerizing…
 
The college had its own benefits – you don’t have rules to follow, line to walk, time to reach the bus waiting to take you back… You could decide exactly on how much time you needed to pack, just the time required to walk, the path to choose for walking, the place to look while walking…
 
So, ‘he’ used the benefits for himself. Also, ‘he’ had an advantage – ‘She’ was his friend’s friend, so his friend could introduce ‘him’ to ‘her’! For that day – his career didn’t matter much, the deaths of tigers was not important, and who the hell was interested in rising prices, falling growth and creeping recession in the economy! Anything important could only be to make ‘her’ know about the existence of ‘him’. But how? And ‘he’ was the worst showoff, with no topics to talk even with his best-friend! What was to be done!
 
But then it happened! Luck was so with him… They started introducing each other’s friends to each other. This was it! The golden moment ‘he’ had been waiting for ages (which started just 2 hours ago!)
 
Finally… ‘Her’ name was… (what’s there in name!) Only if ‘he’ could add to the topics flowing from their mouths, but couldn’t! Obviously, all these years of solitude had taken over all his communication skills. Then too, today’s “Hi…” was the most beautiful moment of all the years ‘he’ had been on earth! Woohoo…!
 
Again ‘he’ had advantage here – ‘he’ could watch all of them (especially her – actually just her). All was just awesome. Just the way ‘he’ wanted it to be. Slow and simple. Great! And this was the start of one of the greatest love stories of the age!
 
In the rain of words, comments, laughs, jokes, PJs and others, there were some talks about the personal lives of all. Friends usually get along only as they start sharing  their personal lives with each other… So was happening with this group. Likes, dislikes, hobbies, contact nos., email ids, Facebook ids, etc. etc. In that were also, relationship status – single, committed or complicated!
 
‘He’ was least concerned in the topics of discussion. As ‘he’ never had seen a girl more intensely than ‘her’. ‘He’ could almost sketch ‘her’ with eyes closed! ‘He’ observed all ‘her’ features and postures. “God is really the best sculpturer of all…!” ‘he’ thought “…to make such a great creation of all times!
 
But then, turn by turn, people talked about themselves. When it was time for ‘her’ to speak, ‘he’ was found to be concentrating like ‘he’ had not even done in his exams! Many things ‘she’ said were coinciding with ‘his’ nature. ‘She’ was the perfect one for ‘him’. But all this while ‘he’ forgot to think whether ‘he’ was the perfect one for ‘her’? It happens many times that we are too lost in our thoughts that tend to ignore the reality and think our dreams to be the real world! Same was the case was with ‘him’.
 
She looked happier than before and her face was glowing like sun. She was blushing, hell ya! She was red as if someone had just proposed her and she couldn’t resist herself from saying ‘Yes’! In the dreadful fear of such a thought he became more conscious as to what was being conversed. He found that people were talking about a person not currently present there – but maybe their common friend (he didn’t knew ‘cuz he was new in the group). And they were constantly taunting her about him. He felt scared and he just asked casually (at least tried to) – ‘what’s going on?’ He had the benefit that nobody knew him and he knew nobody so people won’t be suspicious about him (especially her). Then his friend told him that they were talking about someone who is very special for ‘her’. He got it (Mr. Fate had kicked him on his heart) but didn’t want to understand it that way, so he asked again – to make it sure.
 
When it came to ‘him’, time stopped! He felt like ‘he’ was sentenced to 500 hangs-till-deaths! As if ‘he’ was offered world’s greatest treasure and then denied as key was not available to the chest! ‘He’ kept on repeating the words in his mind – “she is already committed!” ‘He’ had almost cried there on being blown off by the blast! ‘He’ was no longer there – ‘he’ had already left from there – just ‘his’ eyes still couldn’t stop staring ‘her’ – these eyes in which he had found his world, his life, were actually not meant to be for him..
 
But then he lifted himself back thinking – “It happens.. It would happen again, there would be some other girl”. But no, even the thought that she was out of her reach made him desiring a suicide… He was so in love that given all the happiness, all the monies, all the achievements in this world, he’d choose otherwise… ‘Cuz all he wanted was to love her till the end of his last breath..!
 
The last sight of her, her eyes – he so wanted that nothing else should happen to him in this life – this should be end of his life with that beautiful moment to die happily… But death won’t entertain him like that! He was to die everyday, every second of his life, in love… Now he realised what was it that people called love to be the greatest feeling in the world – that she had made a place in his heart permanently that nothing would ever heal him for love had taken the price from him – his heart…
 
But as it was, ‘she’ was for someone else. And ‘he’ knew ‘he’ could be never better than that other person, whoever, he might be! ‘Cuz, ‘he’ was tall but not handsome; he was smart but not smart enough; he had good nature but was extremely boring! With all such qualities, ‘he’ might be a good friend, but ‘he’ surely cannot be a good – you know what! And that thought was killing him!
 
That night he couldn’t sleep. He kept on rewinding that episode which would start from her eyes and end with his eyes – so full of tears…
 
Why it is so that you can’t control over your mind! Even after you know they can’t be with you… You just can’t stop thinking about them… Even when you know, it is out of your reach… that it will spoil their life… but you just can’t…! Why is it that you just can’t…?
 

He asked himself was this his love story that he dreamt about all his life…? Was this his love story – that ended before even it could begin…!