What if I cleared?!


I am pursuing a professional course wherein the pass percentage all over the country comes in a single digit. So you’ll understand there’s a tremendous pressure on us before the exams, during the exams and even after the exams till the results come. (And the pressure doesn’t even wears off after we pass because the industry is such, even after studying hard for these 5 years at a stretch, you’ll have to price yourself so that you may be accepted in the market, it is not that you clear and, bingo you get paid…) So our life, sort of, becomes a pressure-cooker! In which every now and then whistle blows up relieving our inner bubbled feelings or erupting out the silent volcano.

Anyways, the most crucial period is the time between your completion of exam and the results been awaited. It’s the time when you can either make for you a perfect life or you can blow away everything that you’ve got.

At this point everyone would be praying, dreaming and planning about what the result would be. Some people might be just enjoying the free time. But all of them would be having a mental trauma which never allows them to have a peaceful sleep at night. Everyone of them, at least at some point of time in the day, think about the same and fear the uncertainty of the result, and ever the consequences if they fail!

In all these scary thoughts, people get time to enjoy themselves and chill with those dear ones, friends, whom we have so avoided during past 6 months! We almost feel sorry that avoiding them actually didn’t have any effect on our studies and consequently won’t have effect on out result. But still, with the constant pressure from our parents (not in my case), teachers (hell yes) and people at office (screw them!), and even our imaginary people called ‘society’! All of them haunts us so heavily, that we accept sacrificing everything that we have in order to get that stupid certificate! And we never understand that was it worth it?! (The standard saying “We value things only when they’re gone!” But no one has ever told us to value things that we don’t even have yet!)

All in all, people usually think about the future in this break. But I was different. I feared the future too, but not that if I fail! What if I passed!? This fear haunted me more than anything has ever!

I made a simple mind-map of the consequences that might arise if I cleared the exam. And to my astonishment, I was unhappy in every situation! If I fail, that was obvious, but even if I passed, I was miserable!

If I passed what would happen? My family and friends would be happy! But I won’t because I never felt happy of my academics achievements, don’t know why! But always felt like that’s just like we eat or bath or sleep, we study also! No big deal!!

What would happen then? I would be expected to find a good job! Looking to the current situation in the market, the population, the unemployment and people’s mindset, it was very difficult to find a good job without sacrificing something (be it money, place, relations, time or respect!) And all were important for me! And even if I got a good job, I won’t be satisfied ever! Because ultimately, I would be supposed to do the same boring work relating my profession every single day for the rest of my life! Nothing creative, no innovation but just application! What’s so great about it!! I start feeling bores just by hearing the word “work” (I won’t use the word here!). What would happen if I become one!?!

And after getting employed, there are millions of expectations, requirements and obligations! I have to at least earn that much so that I can at least cover my fixed expenses! (Break-even point) and what if in this economy where price rise is as common as day and night, will I be able to survive with that break-even income! What would happen to my family then!

And finally, you start getting proposals for your own death celebration! (They call it marriage.) Marriage, the biggest blunder, the ultimate time (life, actually) waste, the thing that is hell scary all in itself! And no matter how many problems there are in this marriage, but you HAVE to do it!! Thus, marriage becomes your headache all by itself! (Why so? I’ll write about it soon..)

When you’re are able to recover from this again a haunt comes in form of Regulations and rules of the institution I’ll be part of! If you go through the whole “code” thing, you’ll find that they are actually telling you to stop “living” and just concentrate your whole life on “work”! We can’t follow our hobbies, we can’t publish our names, our art or our contribution in creativity in this world! Actually the course is so marvelously designed that it kills your creativity and makes a person a total bore and antisocial!!

Besides, you never actually stop studying in my profession, with every change in the calendar, there is change in the data based on which you are supposed to work! You will never have time to do anything else in this world! But just you and your work! I’ve seen people in my profession who meet their own children once a year on their birthdays ‘cuz, when children are home, person is at office and when he returns home, they are already deep asleep! In the morning again the same situation that one is asleep and other had to go to work, whatever it may be! Some are even unlucky enough that they can’t even meet their family on occasions like birthday or new year! What’s the use of such profession that you can’t even live your life happily, screw what the profession accounts in country’s growth! Everyone who is working will contribute anyway!

And when we finally are able to overcome such fears, we hear stories of successful people who have not even studied their graduations! (You would say that they have to work hard other ways, true, but at least they are free to do what they want in their own way!) (Not like us that we even have code for how we speak or write or behave!)

And if you ask all these points to others who are already in the profession, they would surely deny these ‘facts’! ‘Cuz it is too late for them to have fulfill their childhood fairy-dreams! And they want that others too should not be able to as they have not! Bloody sadists, not by nature, but by effect of time the profession has upon them! Don’t blame them…

And so engrossed in such fears I try to live my life “normally”, just then, there are millions of people in this world who keep on asking me how was your exam, what are you planning to do after result, what is your goal, what would you like to do, etc. Questions..! Let me tell you what I’d like to do – I’d like to punch him in his face and kick his butt! My all efforts to forget my fears are wasted by these kind of people who just “casually” come and screw me!

What would happen if I clear my exams? Umm… Who cares!!


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